Tag: Marriage

The topic of divorce among the Ibibio people is treated in Oto-Obong Uwah’s book “Ibibio Nation: History & Culture” (Buy here). This article draws from the book largely.

Although western culture seems to have overrun our traditions largely, there is need to recall how our fathers treated these aspects of social life. Why not when we can find today’s lessons to draw from our original culture?

In the general African culture, divorce is acceptable when the wife was guilty of adultery or witchcraft. But in the Ibibio culture specifically, reasons for divorce go beyond just witchcraft and adultery.

In this article, we discuss 4 reasons the Ibibios allowed divorce;

Infertility:

One of the major reasons for divorce in Ibibio land was an inability to bear children. They would ask; if you can’t bear children why did we marry you?  If the wife fails to conceive a child, she is considered barren and this will almost certainly lead to the termination of that marriage.

Child mortality:

In the past, child mortality was relatively high. Without waiting to know all possible causes, the society did blame the mother for frequent loss of her own children. They would blame her for being unable to nurture and care for her children. And when this happened, the man could divorce his wife if he wished.

Insult on Parents:

When the wife insults the parents of her husband, especially the mother-in-law, it could lead to a divorce. To penalize the act, elders would slam the offending wife with a fine of a he-goat.

Theft:

Ibibio people considered theft as such a shameful act that they punished the culprit severely. If a wife was caught stealing, her husband could divorce her for bringing shame on his family.

We wrote more on curious reasons for divorce in the Ibibio culture. Read it here.

Keywords: Marriage, Ibibio, Akwa Ibom, Divorce in Ibibio Culture

We had earlier written about how to marry your Ibibio girlfriend; the first phases in getting married to your Ibibio girlfriend. Read that here. In this follow-up article, we bring you the remaining stages in the traditional Ibibio marriage process. Please read and share. Who knows, some ‘esen owo’ who has fallen in love with your sister may need it.

Nkòñ Udòk – Knocking the Door

This stage is very critical stage in the whole process of marrying in Ibibio land. At this stage, your family members escort you to the lady’s family.

Basically in theory, the ‘Knocking’ simply means enquiring formally for the availability of the girl and confirming the willingness of the family to release her to your family. This is where you hear the incoming family use the adage; “we have seen a beautiful flower in your yard and will like to pluck it and take home to ours”.

At this stage also, the process does not require your family head. He can send his representative and a delegation.

One important question you will also hear at this point is; “Nso’o ke adi?” This means; “what are you here for”.

Affirm and reaffirm your reason for the journey. You will get an applause and then will become eligible for the next stage.

The family will decide whether to issue you their marriage list or to ask you to come back for it. Since Ibibios are naturally easy going people, they will most likely not want you to go through the stress of travelling in too many times. They would have prepared the list before this point and would just hand it to you or the eldest man in the visiting party.

Items required at this stage for traditional rites may include; a bottle of strong drink, pods of kola, assorted fruits etc.

Following this event will be a meeting to negotiate the list. This article does not include negotiation of list as a formal stage in the marriage process because you can skip it. If you can afford the items on the list, why negotiate?

How Not To Marry Ibibio Girls: A Stupid Thing You Could Do

If you ask the girl’s family, “Please, when is the wedding date”, you have goofed big time.

Traditional Engagement (MbɅb)

When you are done with the list, the next stage is the formal betrothal of the prospective bride to the prospective groom in the presence of both families. It is called ‘mbɅb’ because it is the actual ‘request’ occasion. From this point, you are now betrothed to the lady according to the Ibibio tradition.

It is usually a celebration, although strictly on invitation. It is also the moment when you present the items on the marriage list.

Usòrò Ndò – Marriage Festival or Traditional Marriage

This is when the family gives your their daughter in the traditional sense. After now, you can leave with your wife. It is a festival, a celebration of families, community members and visitors.

Some Stupid Things You Can Do

This is a festival with its own dramas. If you even slightly show disgust at any of the dramas, you have embarrassed the entire community of the bride. Another stupid thing you can do is to see the lady before they bring her out. The family can fine you,  and that would still be on a lighter note.

Notice that there are traditions in the Ibibio marriage process that are no longer in practice. One is the ‘Mboppo’ practice where elderly women pass a girl who has a suitor through fattening, circumcision and display at the market. Some of these practices that were adjudged harmful to health had to be suspended by present day Ibibio cultures. In fact, in today’s Ibibio land, once a young man and a maiden have agreed to get married and the families agree, everything else is fanfare.

Keywords: How to marry an Ibibio girl

In Ibibio land, marriage is beyond the fusion of 2 individuals; it brings families and communities together. This is the case in many African and West-Asian cultures. But if you are a bachelor courting an Ibibio damsel, or your son is the bachelor, this article explains how to marry that Ibibio girl. It details the traditions you need to be aware of.

Drop Your Pride!

Firstly, you must know that Ibibio people take a strong exception to being treated with disrespect. If your Ibibio girlfriend lets you pass, her dad, uncles, elder brothers will almost certainly not allow you approach their door with superiority complex. If you manage to brush past them, you could get yourself into trouble. Trouble that physical science may never understand.

One of the worst hindrances you would meet in getting married into an Ibibio family has to do with your proud defiance of the Ibibio culture. It can cost you more than you could imagine.

There is the story of a woman from a community between Uyo and Ikot Ekpene who could not conceive until her husband went back to fulfil all marriage rites that he had arrogantly skipped.

Do not sit in Lagos or even in nearby Port Harcourt and assume you know all about the Ibibio culture. Or that ‘nothing dey happen’. Drop your pride and let the girl’s family show you what to do.

Udioño Ufòk – Knowing the Family

This is the first stage in the actual process of marriage. At this stage the prospective groom goes in the company of his best friend or close associate to visit the father of the girl. Beware of how you visit her father’s house while you are just a suitor. If you have not decided to marry her and cleared with your own family, don’t ask to meet her dad during visits. And when she has cleared you and your family is on board the project, take some gift (with wine inclusive), take a good friend of yours along and schedule a time to go see her father or his representative.

3 Stupid Things You can Do in an Ibibio Marriage:

If you go with a female friend or sister, that’s stupid. Or you tell her dad “I only came to say hi”; or you go alone, you just did something stupid.

During this visit, you will be questioned by her father. He will ask what you do, your religion and your family history.

This is also the opportunity you have to get familiar with the direction to the lady’s home. This is true especially if the dad invites you to his family compound, not just his own built resident – which, may be away from his ancestral home.

No formal demands are made on the groom at this first stage but courtesy demands that you carry a bottle of aromatic schnapps. If the family does not accept alcoholic drinks, carry a non-alcoholic wine.

Click here to know the other Ibibio marriage stages…

Click here to get Oto-Obong Uwah’s book; ‘Ibibio Nation: History & Culture’.

Keywords: Ibibio Marriage; How to marry an Ibibio Damsel